I love falling in love with people.
Isn't it marvelous??
Not romantically necessarily, but people. People who leave you with that warm glowy feeling, the feeling of connection; of sharing a wavelength and energy field.
I've always loved people. Tonight I was reminded of that, after spending time with a group of really lovely people. I felt this way last weekend too, after going away with 4 close friends for two days. I came back so refreshed, so energized, and I felt like I fell in love with each of them all over again, even though we've been friends for years.
Given all of the challenges and stresses of my current particular circumstances, which I won't get into with any specificity, but include a traumatic divorce and becoming a single mom smack dab in the middle of global pandemic and economic shit storm, it is such a relief to know that there are still people out there who can fill my heartank, people I admire and trust, who care and feel deeply but don't take themselves too seriously.
It feels like a divine gift, that in the wake of my marriage ending, the death of one love would be followed by falling even more head over heels in love with my daughter, and falling in love anew with friends and family and even some strangers, some new some old, but truly falling in love.. like butterflies in the tummy and grinning ear to ear kind of love.
People are amazing. Their ideas! Their histories! Their humor! Their knowledge! Their idiosyncrasies! Their beautiful hearts and ability to care about others, our planet, our children and children's children. God I love people.
People are also the very absolute worst. But that's for another day. Today I celebrate the good stuff of life.
Driving to SF to get together with friends tonight I felt super stressed. I felt like a stressed out failure, a frazzled failure who is always late to everything and can't seem to ever make enough money to survive in this world and can't seem to work enough to make the money but can't keep up with the work, because there's the work work, and then there's the work of parenting a five year old and the housework and the running a household work and there's the personal mental health and wellness work and the part time job work that is keeping up with all the doctors appointments and covid tests and logging in and logging out and I haven't called my mom and I still haven't called my step-dad, and I missed my step-mom's birthday and I owe my sister a call and I need to start my taxes but they're going to be such a cluster after the last year I've had and I'm still not legally divorced for a number of reasons outside of my control and how am I supposed to do all of this??
This was the dialogue in my mind on my way to see friends in the city. And now, home on my cozy couch I am glowing from their good company. Spending time with decent, smart, funny, caring, thoughtful, fun, creative and loving people, has been the best medicine for my heart, (Zoloft for my brain), since leaving my marriage.
I can honestly say that I'm sort of terrified and not sure I'll ever be ready to fall in love romantically again, but my friends show me what good love feels like, and as a result I not only feel less afraid, I know I'll never settle for anything less again.
That half-folded pile of laundry and dwindling bank account no longer feel urgent or looming.
I feel only gratitude for this moment: the love glow from time with friends, my daughter sleeping peacefully in her own afterglow from being loved on by those friends, our health, and enough resources to get through another winter's month.
I hope you fall in love with someone this week, yourself even, and that it helps you get through your days. I hope you remember that these connections with people and ourselves are all we'll consider worth any of it in the end.
Jaclyn Edds Konczal | January still, 2022