Like the toxic boyfriend he is, IG shuts me out the more I engage, and showers me with attention and adoration when I pull away. He doesn’t love me for me. I am just a means to an end. He will use me for his egoic purposes, to assuage his insecurities, until I no longer play by his rules or decide to leave the game altogether.
He tries to convince me I’d be nothing and go nowhere without him, but I’ve been me and I’ve been going places all along. I was there before he lost his soul, before he got obsessed with money and success and fame at whatever cost. I could have lost mine too. But instead I found it.
My more *mature* (with a hard “t”) lover is my website, where I have freedom, autonomy, and spaciousness to express the fullness of me. Where there are no trolls or ads or marketing hooks. Where I am free to bring all of me, and find myself held and embraced, seen and witnessed. My website lover just holds space, and can handle anything I bring or reveal. They aren’t threatened by my fullness. They want to see me radiant with light and burning with passion for my own sake and for all who feel my heat.
Toxic IG boyfriend had me on edge, watching my every step, afraid of doing too much or not enough. Never knowing where the bar was, because it was constantly moving, by design. It was never enough with IG bf.
With website boo, it’s whatever and whenever, anything and everything. I am welcomed and embraced. Which makes me open up even more. There are no red hearts of approval or blue stars of hierarchy and importance- just honesty.
Honesty is the reward itself.
Jaclyn Edds Konczal | February 2022