When we want to die

When we want to die

There are parts of us that must

There are relationships that must 

There are parts of our lives that must

There are ideas about ourselves that must

There are ideas about the world and our place in it that must

There are allegiances, loyalties, and memberships that must

There are defaults and impulses and mechanisms and dependencies that must

When we want to die

Maybe we don’t really want to die

Maybe our spirit is crying out, longing to really live

Standing naked before a mirror staring at our tired dead eyes

The sparkle nearly snuffed out

We see death and decay behind those eyes and all over our body

If we allow them

If we even have a choice

Tears will stream from those dull eyes 

Washing, cleansing, baptizing us in their holy waters

When we open them again

The sparkle has returned

Not from happiness joy or ecstasy but pure light

A reflection at once of our divinity and humanity

When we want to die

Maybe our spirit is begging us to let go of what 

Is killing us and holding us captive

So that we can really live

Let go

Let it die 

Let it fall away

The trees allow their deadness to fall

To the ground beneath them 

Fertilizing their futures

They don’t clamor after their falling leaves

Chasing and grasping as they flutter to the ground

Trying to somehow reattach what has already died

Embrace your deaths

Allow them to nourish your next life

You’re still in there sweetheart

I see you. 

{A wise man once said, those who would cling to their life, would lose it, and those who would lose their life, would find it. 

Be the loser. 

Let it fall away. Reach your roots out for support from your fellow trees. Send out a message for help through the mycelium of our interconnection. You are loved. You’re not alone.} 

[For M.]

Jaclyn Edds Konczal | February 2022